Philosophy of Anne #1

When something is becoming “overwhelming”, take a break.

Distance yourself from it.

Go to a place you will feel safest and most comfortable.

Breathe, and remember to stay positive.

Can you believe it?

My last post on this blog was January 2019. That was almost a year ago. Almost. It’s November now and I finally has some time and mood to write in.

What a busy year!

I have a new plan. Lately i found myself Having too much time to overthink, leading me to some mild insomnia. Yeah by mild insomnia, I mean waking up at 6.00am on a weekend just to think, and never be able to fall back asleep again. Because of heavy thoughts, it’s annoying.

Also, everytime I walk around the office, attending meetings, I realized how far I’ve come career-wise and yet here I am, still at the same spot. Oh well. That’s life in a nutshell for almost everyone, I guess. So I decided to write again. Let’s see how “again” lasts, by the way. I have a plan to make an official blog, for me to record my work stuff, as well as keep this one around. And maybe re-organize ALL my blogs. Is this a journal? Is this a blog??? DECIDE, bish!

So I’m taking out my (also long forgotten) planner, ipad and colourful pens, and let’s begin. Crap. Friend just called. Going for pre-lunch now.

Penang Bridge Accident - My Two-cents

Yesterday, the Nation was shocked by a news about a road crash on the Penang bridge that happened at 2.30 a.m. between 2 childhood friends who was returning home from the same birthday party. The cars were a Toyota Vios and a Mazda CX5. The SUV however, plunged into the sea, where witnesses could do nothing. After series of news report, turned out the Vios Driver, aged 21, who was driving like a demon (as a dashcam video showed), was tested positive for ganja and alcohol. Yikes. 

A Toyota Vios, wrecked on the Penang Bridge. Image by NST. 

I know I'm not in the position to give any opinions on this matter. I'm sure there are billions of netizens out there who have a lot to say about this accident. What I'm writing here is just what I think. Random thoughts, obviously. 

As you can see from the video above, the Vios driver was driving insanely dangerously, overtaking cars using the left lane, swerving left and right without braking, pretending he's driving a Ferrari. I have to say, you don't drive a Vios like that. Vios is a Japanese version of MYVI. It's mere purpose of existence is to get from point A to B slowly and safely. But fullspeed? Big mistake. Then, he hit the (also speeding) white SUV from a dangerous angle and speed and both lost control of their cars and one was unfortunate to fall into the hungry sea. 

There are many reports, articles on this accident. But after reading series of official news reports, here are my thoughts:

1. On Alcohol & Drugs : Don't drink and drive. No matter what. The advantage of being a Muslim is that it's forbidden to drink alcohol, which helps a lot in reducing the percentage of DUI drivers in this country. However, due to the small number of road crash caused by DUI here (as compared to other road crash courses), the Don't Drink and Drive campaign barely exist. So is the law enforcement. Hence, you see people driving around drunk like it's nothing.
2. On Speeding : Kids are crazy. Hell when I was 20 years old I would drive around like a maniac. But not to the extent of causing accidents. I know when to speed and when not to. Reports mentioned that the Vios driver had been involved in many crashes. So why is he still allowed to drive? 
3. On staying out late at night : Nothing good happens after 12.00 midnight. I know how it feels being 20 and wanting to explore the world, especially midnights. I did it once, and all I felt was sleepy the whole time. But when activities involve drinking and smokin weed, I'd understand why they'd want it to last till dawn. But all it caused in this case was death. Right now, the government is considering a curfew for those 18 and below. I'd definitely be on board if the age increases to 21. Even Americans still categorizes people below 21 as kids. 

So there it is. My thoughts on this. 

Pouring my heart out… Jan 2019

I was feeling rather stressful at work, and being in a new place (believe it, almost a year here and I still feel new), so I decided to write down my feelings. I have to tell someone. So I guess whoever’s reading this is “someone”.

For the first time in 9 years of lecturing, I feel dumbfounded. All My life, teaching and lecturing have always been filled with energy, spirit and motivation. I love my job; I’m living the dream of being an educator. (yeah I always loved to talk to an audience, hence my public speaking / debate background) But lately, I find myself feeling tired and demotivated every time I entered the classroom. Every time I walked into an empty class, I could feel my spirit breaking. As I sat down at the teacher’s desk, waiting for my students to arrive, my blood boils. 3-4 more days like this, I was sure I would pass out of high blood pressure.

Not only were they late, they were up to 30 minutes late. I know some would say “hey at least they still came…”, which had probably become the reason they would think it’s okay to be late all the time. THREE times, there would always be someone who was 20 minutes late. My spirit drained day by day.

After lecturing them (as an attempt to change their attitude), I finally got enough motivation to conduct the class with some excitement. I hate being angry. I’d always end up regretting feeling annoyed so I’d avoid having any negative feelings. Moving on with the lecture for the topic that day, I felt slightly satisfied as they took out a printed version of the chapter’s notes that I had prepared for them. Good. A whole day work was appreciated. But then they started to annoy me again.

Silence. I asked them a question, nothing. I specifically asked one student, they shrugged. I asked another, they just said “I don’t know...” So 1 hour of talking and explaining, and you got NOTHING?! My blood began to crawl to 100 degrees. Okay, since lecturing doesn’t teach you a thing, I’ll give you activities. So I did. I gave them some topics to research. It’s the smartphone era, everything is online. 30 minutes later, NOTHING. I told them if they finished, they can go. Still NOTHING. OH MY GOD wtf is wrong with these students? How was it possible that they could be so rock-hard stubborn? I felt so desperate, so disappointed. No matter how hard I tried to brush off all negativity, I couldn’t. I just wanted to leave the class, start my engine and drive home, crawl under the bed and disconnect with the world. I felt like I failed as an educator. That it was my fault they were so, blank. But of course I didn’t. My inner voice kept yelling “BE A PROFESSIONAL!!!” so I just stood there, forced myself to be okay with the situation.

My bubbly, cheery personality is being challenged so hard, it’s impossible to not admit defeat. Teaching teenagers had become so ridiculously exhausting. Here I am, preparing all these interactive activities for them to enjoy while learning, only to be responded with attitude later. Sigh... A good educator doesn’t give up, they say. A good educator would always find a solution. A good educator educates, no matter how impossible. And trust me, I’m not even exaggerating.

How I Upgraded my Defense

Motivational thoughts ❤ 

I am used to criticism. Anywhere I am attacked, I would just brush it off.

10 years ago, however, I couldn't.

24 year old me would fall apart, cry and write sad poems about how people's word would hurt me. It was weird time in my life though because I never understood why. Years into my life as an adult I learned to "muhasabah diri" where I search within me, the things I do that would annoy people to the extent of them attacking me with hurtful insults.

Of course everyone has their own weakness. Mine was being different. I was and still am always the odd one out in a crowd. I used to think it was a bad, terrible thing, to not be able to blend in with people. That being different meant being a freak. Isolated. Ignored. In time I began to understand why people would treat me bad, disapprove my existence. People hate what they don't understand. They didn't understand me because I didn't let them. I still don't let them.

Alone, but never lonely.

Now I got used to it. My "being different" is now my strength. So what if I don't wear what people wear? So what if I don't talk like people talk? So what if I don't live my life like everyone else? So what if I am different? Am I a bad person for being different? Do I steal peoples' money? Nope. Do I steal peoples' husbands? Nope. Do I sabotage peoples' lives? Nope. Do I spread rumors and secrets and hurt peoples' reputations? Nope.

Everyday I try to be a good person. I would do as much as I can for people. I would help people for free. I would share whatever I have with people. I would stay positive even when it's darker than Gotham City. I know I do good things. And that's all that matters to me. That I know I am a good a person or at least I try to be.

Do people still judge me negatively? Yes. They still insult me. Judge me. Hurt me. Behind my back, where I have no defense. Or up in social media posts, where they think I would be hurt, and then they can "lol that wasn't for you." to save their asses. But did they manage to break me? Nope. I'm not 25 anymore. Negative words are like dust. They come, annoy me a bit. I sneeze em off, they disappear, I forget them. The dustmites remains, but on the floor. Where they belong.

dustmites. in case you don't know what they are.

And directly too, I get sarcastically attacked for wearing too much make up, stylish dresses (lol, really?), talking English correctly, being diva-ish in any circumstance... I guess that's how people see me. And is it bad? To them, maybe. But to me, I'm doing what I love to do. I love make up. I love pretty dresses. I love speaking English the way I do. And I love looking nice in photos. I'm probably eccentric, as a friend used to describe me as. And I have learned to accept it. Things that maybe negative to people, are positive to me. Where's the fun in being ordinary, right?


So that's how I level up my defense. By accepting who and what I am and turning every bit into positive vibes. Yeah I do break down now and then, but in the end I stand back up and be myself again. As long as I don't do bad things to people, I'm good.

And Be Different. Be Yourself. 

The Creep

I'm a loner. Always have been. Mainly coz life is easier alone. You can go wherever and whenever you want while avoiding judgements. Yesterday, during lunch I went to the Beach to have my lunch. A deliciously packed Nasi Kerabu. I found an semi-isolated spot and parked at the beach and enjoyed the food... mmm...

Then, an almost worn down car came and parked beside me. 2 men were in the car. I minded my business and continued my meal while watching Unreal on my iPad. One man exited the car. An old man, probably in his 60s, long rusted hair and faded tattoos. Looks local, but the tattoos? i don't know, maybe Viet or Burmese, God knows.

Another man exited. Younger but ugly as fuck. Malays would say "muka pecah jamban" Same, looks local but could also be burmese or viet. Who cares. They walked to the beach. Phew. Back to my lunch and movie.

5 minutes later the younger man came to their car. He glanced my way and after noticing I was a lady, alone in the car, put up this creepy face.

Something like this

And didn't stop staring. I noticed because EVERYTIME i lifted up my face I saw him staring with that look. Walking, staring, smiling like a freak. I gave it a chance. Thought nothing of it and continued with life. Then few minutes passed and he just...kept...staring... what the F, man? He entered his car and turned his head to make sure I know he was still staring. Okay. Enough. Lost my appetite and shifted my gear to Reverse, an attempt to leave the area.  

The creepiness didn't end there. He started reversing his car, leaving the poor old tattoo man behind just to "follow" me. Look, I know you probably think it was probably just a coincidence, right? That I was just being paranoid. I wish I was. He reversed the car half a second after I did and made it hard for me to leave.

Another WTF moment. I ignored his gesture and continued to leave the area. Fortunately, another car drove by and delayed his exit. God exists. I drove off and was annoyed at the fact I didn't get to finish my Nasi Kerabu. 

WTF just happened there?

So that was yesterday. WHY DO UGLY GUYS DO THAT?! You would never see a hot, handsome man stare creepily at women. Why are ugly guys, also freaks? Why do these people have too much of a confidence, they think it's OKAY to be creeps? 

It's that time again...

Urgh politics. Never been an interest of mine. It's the grosses thing after shit. The worst. But every 5 years, we gotta get our butts to the poling stations and vote for who we think would make a better country for everyone. Because according to PAS, if we don't.. we'd go straight to hell. Or wait... is it if we pick the wrong person? Never mind, either way we're still going to hell.

Exactly how I feel during voting season...

So anyways... This is not a campaign.. or anything opposite or adjacent to that... Just hating politics but unfortunately, it's WAJIB. So I'll drag my feet, baca Bismillah and vote for whoever I feel like voting that day.

Hey at least it's a public holiday! See you on May 9th.