Pouring my heart out… Jan 2019

I was feeling rather stressful at work, and being in a new place (believe it, almost a year here and I still feel new), so I decided to write down my feelings. I have to tell someone. So I guess whoever’s reading this is “someone”.

For the first time in 9 years of lecturing, I feel dumbfounded. All My life, teaching and lecturing have always been filled with energy, spirit and motivation. I love my job; I’m living the dream of being an educator. (yeah I always loved to talk to an audience, hence my public speaking / debate background) But lately, I find myself feeling tired and demotivated every time I entered the classroom. Every time I walked into an empty class, I could feel my spirit breaking. As I sat down at the teacher’s desk, waiting for my students to arrive, my blood boils. 3-4 more days like this, I was sure I would pass out of high blood pressure.

Not only were they late, they were up to 30 minutes late. I know some would say “hey at least they still came…”, which had probably become the reason they would think it’s okay to be late all the time. THREE times, there would always be someone who was 20 minutes late. My spirit drained day by day.

After lecturing them (as an attempt to change their attitude), I finally got enough motivation to conduct the class with some excitement. I hate being angry. I’d always end up regretting feeling annoyed so I’d avoid having any negative feelings. Moving on with the lecture for the topic that day, I felt slightly satisfied as they took out a printed version of the chapter’s notes that I had prepared for them. Good. A whole day work was appreciated. But then they started to annoy me again.

Silence. I asked them a question, nothing. I specifically asked one student, they shrugged. I asked another, they just said “I don’t know...” So 1 hour of talking and explaining, and you got NOTHING?! My blood began to crawl to 100 degrees. Okay, since lecturing doesn’t teach you a thing, I’ll give you activities. So I did. I gave them some topics to research. It’s the smartphone era, everything is online. 30 minutes later, NOTHING. I told them if they finished, they can go. Still NOTHING. OH MY GOD wtf is wrong with these students? How was it possible that they could be so rock-hard stubborn? I felt so desperate, so disappointed. No matter how hard I tried to brush off all negativity, I couldn’t. I just wanted to leave the class, start my engine and drive home, crawl under the bed and disconnect with the world. I felt like I failed as an educator. That it was my fault they were so, blank. But of course I didn’t. My inner voice kept yelling “BE A PROFESSIONAL!!!” so I just stood there, forced myself to be okay with the situation.

My bubbly, cheery personality is being challenged so hard, it’s impossible to not admit defeat. Teaching teenagers had become so ridiculously exhausting. Here I am, preparing all these interactive activities for them to enjoy while learning, only to be responded with attitude later. Sigh... A good educator doesn’t give up, they say. A good educator would always find a solution. A good educator educates, no matter how impossible. And trust me, I’m not even exaggerating.