How I Upgraded my Defense

Motivational thoughts ❤ 

I am used to criticism. Anywhere I am attacked, I would just brush it off.

10 years ago, however, I couldn't.

24 year old me would fall apart, cry and write sad poems about how people's word would hurt me. It was weird time in my life though because I never understood why. Years into my life as an adult I learned to "muhasabah diri" where I search within me, the things I do that would annoy people to the extent of them attacking me with hurtful insults.

Of course everyone has their own weakness. Mine was being different. I was and still am always the odd one out in a crowd. I used to think it was a bad, terrible thing, to not be able to blend in with people. That being different meant being a freak. Isolated. Ignored. In time I began to understand why people would treat me bad, disapprove my existence. People hate what they don't understand. They didn't understand me because I didn't let them. I still don't let them.

Alone, but never lonely.

Now I got used to it. My "being different" is now my strength. So what if I don't wear what people wear? So what if I don't talk like people talk? So what if I don't live my life like everyone else? So what if I am different? Am I a bad person for being different? Do I steal peoples' money? Nope. Do I steal peoples' husbands? Nope. Do I sabotage peoples' lives? Nope. Do I spread rumors and secrets and hurt peoples' reputations? Nope.

Everyday I try to be a good person. I would do as much as I can for people. I would help people for free. I would share whatever I have with people. I would stay positive even when it's darker than Gotham City. I know I do good things. And that's all that matters to me. That I know I am a good a person or at least I try to be.

Do people still judge me negatively? Yes. They still insult me. Judge me. Hurt me. Behind my back, where I have no defense. Or up in social media posts, where they think I would be hurt, and then they can "lol that wasn't for you." to save their asses. But did they manage to break me? Nope. I'm not 25 anymore. Negative words are like dust. They come, annoy me a bit. I sneeze em off, they disappear, I forget them. The dustmites remains, but on the floor. Where they belong.

dustmites. in case you don't know what they are.

And directly too, I get sarcastically attacked for wearing too much make up, stylish dresses (lol, really?), talking English correctly, being diva-ish in any circumstance... I guess that's how people see me. And is it bad? To them, maybe. But to me, I'm doing what I love to do. I love make up. I love pretty dresses. I love speaking English the way I do. And I love looking nice in photos. I'm probably eccentric, as a friend used to describe me as. And I have learned to accept it. Things that maybe negative to people, are positive to me. Where's the fun in being ordinary, right?


So that's how I level up my defense. By accepting who and what I am and turning every bit into positive vibes. Yeah I do break down now and then, but in the end I stand back up and be myself again. As long as I don't do bad things to people, I'm good.

And Be Different. Be Yourself. 

The Creep

I'm a loner. Always have been. Mainly coz life is easier alone. You can go wherever and whenever you want while avoiding judgements. Yesterday, during lunch I went to the Beach to have my lunch. A deliciously packed Nasi Kerabu. I found an semi-isolated spot and parked at the beach and enjoyed the food... mmm...

Then, an almost worn down car came and parked beside me. 2 men were in the car. I minded my business and continued my meal while watching Unreal on my iPad. One man exited the car. An old man, probably in his 60s, long rusted hair and faded tattoos. Looks local, but the tattoos? i don't know, maybe Viet or Burmese, God knows.

Another man exited. Younger but ugly as fuck. Malays would say "muka pecah jamban" Same, looks local but could also be burmese or viet. Who cares. They walked to the beach. Phew. Back to my lunch and movie.

5 minutes later the younger man came to their car. He glanced my way and after noticing I was a lady, alone in the car, put up this creepy face.

Something like this

And didn't stop staring. I noticed because EVERYTIME i lifted up my face I saw him staring with that look. Walking, staring, smiling like a freak. I gave it a chance. Thought nothing of it and continued with life. Then few minutes passed and he just...kept...staring... what the F, man? He entered his car and turned his head to make sure I know he was still staring. Okay. Enough. Lost my appetite and shifted my gear to Reverse, an attempt to leave the area.  

The creepiness didn't end there. He started reversing his car, leaving the poor old tattoo man behind just to "follow" me. Look, I know you probably think it was probably just a coincidence, right? That I was just being paranoid. I wish I was. He reversed the car half a second after I did and made it hard for me to leave.

Another WTF moment. I ignored his gesture and continued to leave the area. Fortunately, another car drove by and delayed his exit. God exists. I drove off and was annoyed at the fact I didn't get to finish my Nasi Kerabu. 

WTF just happened there?

So that was yesterday. WHY DO UGLY GUYS DO THAT?! You would never see a hot, handsome man stare creepily at women. Why are ugly guys, also freaks? Why do these people have too much of a confidence, they think it's OKAY to be creeps? 

It's that time again...

Urgh politics. Never been an interest of mine. It's the grosses thing after shit. The worst. But every 5 years, we gotta get our butts to the poling stations and vote for who we think would make a better country for everyone. Because according to PAS, if we don't.. we'd go straight to hell. Or wait... is it if we pick the wrong person? Never mind, either way we're still going to hell.

Exactly how I feel during voting season...

So anyways... This is not a campaign.. or anything opposite or adjacent to that... Just hating politics but unfortunately, it's WAJIB. So I'll drag my feet, baca Bismillah and vote for whoever I feel like voting that day.

Hey at least it's a public holiday! See you on May 9th.

First Task : Accomplished with Flying Colors

Work is tough... Sometimes you got a whole LOT of things to do... Sometimes you got nothing to do so you gotta pretend like you do. Friends come and go. Sometimes people look like they like you, sometimes they show that they don't. At the end of the day, it's just what you have to go through everyday to get money to buy the lovely things you like.

I was given a task last week to organize a staff assembly. I was a bit surprised when they chose me. It didn't seem like a HUGE task, but normally I would be called in as a teeny tiny committee member with minimal work to do. Not this time. They gave me the post of a boss. Program coordinator. Floor manager. Whatever you wanna call it.

Good thing about living with mom... Tablecloths! They exist!

I had a rough time asking people for favor. Firstly, I don't know them as a colleague, the last time I met them was when I was 18 and a student here. Secondly, I JUST reported duty for like 3 weeks? And the task required me to manage people. People I don't know.

But as I worked my my way through (with a LOT of help from people) I learned that things fall into place if you work hard for it. Everything went smoothly. The big boss liked the program and nothing went wrong. How I thank God for answering my prayers! I felt so blessed.

I guess, when you're desperate, you'll somehow find ways to survive. All you have to do is put on a mask, throw away all shyness and shame, and ASK for HELP.

Attendance was encouraging! waheyyyy promotion team!

TODAY - The Power of Google (and google skills)

So on Friday I had some troubles connecting with my Network's shared files. Banyak kerja tak dapat settle coz of that so I called ICT to help set up file sharing on my PERSONAL laptop. (unfortunately government dah takde duit nak bagi staff PC). The ICT staff gave me some instructions... "Taip BACKSLASH dua kali lepas tu taip datastorage... BACKSLASH tau bukan slash biasa..." As if I be dumb and don't know what BACKSLASH is 😑So I did and Windows gave me this SMB V1 and V2 bulls***. I told the ICT staff and she agreed to come check it out. She did and tried the thing she told me to type coz apparently she still couldnt believe I know what BACKSLASH is. The same SMB BullS*** came up.

 Hoping for her to FINALLY understand my problem, I waited in anticipation. What happened? She video-called her supervisor because she didn't know what to do. WOW. After some series of failed googles, she finally said "Cik kena update windows 10 ni..." Then left because "lama lagi ni, nanti lepas update boleh dah masuk server..." So after 3 days of struggling with Windows update I tried the BACKSLASH code thing again. Lol. The same SMB shit came up.

A simple TICK...! Take that, u ICT noobs!

Pi kat Windows Feature and TICK the stupid little box called "Enable SMB1" THAT WAS IT. Restart computer, Voila. Settled. Pa la kau ni ICT staff... Tu pon x dpt figure out ka? I don't need a freaking IT degree to google my way out of a problem. So now I'm happy and I feel smart. Thanks, Google. ICT department needs to recruit REAL ICT people.

p/s : WE KNOW WHAT BACKSLASH IS!!! \\\\\\\\\\\\\\

The "New Girl" Once again

When I was young I had this fear of not having friends. All my life I have been moving here and there. I was always in a new place. I was always that "new girl". And everytime I stepped into the new place, the fear took over me, sinking my heart deeper and deeper.

All hail Miss Poetic.  

A thousand years later, I am still the "new girl". A part of me doesn't care about making new friends. The other part? It gets lonely. Especially when you hear the ladies talking and laughing from the back of the room and you are at your desk way to the front, writing blogs.

Experience have taught me to not give a F*. These people had years and years of getting to know each other. They may have a strong friendship build-up but they missed a lot of fun I had being nomad. I get to know new people all the time. I get to go to places knowing at least ONE person. And despite carrying my reputation with me everywhere I go, I still get a fresh start everytime.

Fresh start! (Again!)

Single... "senang"

7 years I have worked in this education system. 7 years and I have been to 3 polytechnics (plus 1 university) . Some people are lucky. 20 years and still in the same place, same desk, same environment. Talk about being scared of changes. But hey, who am I to judge? I'm single. It's easy for me to move around the country anytime and live anywhere.

That's what they say. Single. Easy. Free. As opposed to having a husband and kids they have to drag around like some kind of burden. Well hey, I probably won't understand it yet. All I have right now is myself and Nugget. I was sent on earth by aliens in a UFO. I have noone in my life to worry about. Right?

LOL

Bullshit. Single people may seem "easy" to be put here and there. In a life where the ultimate goal is to be married with children, they seem to forget to see things through our perspective. Try live the single life in a country where ALL your friends are married with kids. Try carry that loneliness around. Try having no choice but to depend on your own independence to work your way through life. Try being single and live a billion miles away from your family, your parents, the only family you have? Try having no husband to come home to, no kids to worry about, noone to share your problems. You think we don't have problems? Open your mind a bit, we do. We just have different problems, one you could never understand once you say I do. (Unless you undo it by divorce, of course).

Of course I enjoy being single. That's the kind of person I have grown to be. I don't burden myself with the need to be married. I enjoy spending my own money for myself and going wherever whenever I want to. Yes, it gets lonely sometimes. But I get over it quickly once I log on to Barolyra and live my virtual life kicking ass like I do in reality. After dating series of losers I had decided to be single and independent with the help and support of my mom and dad. They are my priority just like your husband and kids are yours. So when you say "ala Anne bujang... senang nak pindah mana-mana...". Take a minute and walk a mile in my shoes. I make it easy. You have no idea how my reality is. You have no idea how moving here and there and still come home to an empty house is like.

It's fine if you enjoy comparing life with others. I understand your problems, I do. I know how hard it must be to move to new places where you have to put your kids into new schools, adjust your routines of being both a mom and career woman... Of course I get it. But at the end of the day, you get to see your kids' faces, and everything is worth it, no? You get to divide your problems in half when you come home to a husband. At least you have a husband to pay your bills and fix your car and be there when you get into trouble.

Everyone has problems. Stop forcing us to empathize with yours when you can't open your eyes to see our side of the world.

Meeting His Family

So I finally met his family. Oh did I tell you I am getting MARRIED this JULY? Can you believe it? Me? FINALLY?

Okay anyways, it's been a month since my trip to KK and I have been busy playing online games that I didn't have time to focus a bit on my blogging. So a month later, I found this draft and since I have a restraint from logging on Barolyra (coz I'm back at work dammit!) I might as well finish it up and publish it. 

Meeting his family was surprisingly fun. Tiring, but fun. They were all good people, treating me nice enough to make me feel welcome. I know it's probably too early to get excited but hey, first impression is important, right?

And all is well in this department. Alhamdulillah. 

Old New Workplace

I had to delete my previous post because it was shallow. Yep I re-read it and realized I was shallow as hell judging people by their size. Daheck Anne? What did 1 and a half year of absence from work turned u into?

Why is it that everytime I look at the clock, it is always STILL 11 am. There should be a thoery on this. Wait let me google.

Aha! Someone wrote this article! Click HERE for 24 Ways to Make a Slow Work Day Go Faster.

Here's some I shortlisted for myself.

1. Get Lost in Social Media. Really? Coz since 2016 Socmed has been a nuisance in my life. I only log in when there is ultimately nothing to do. I don't care much about virals and reading comments. People suck, especially online. 
2. Play an Online Game. OMG you have no idea how I am craving to log on to Ark: Survival Evolved right now. My dinosaurs need some lovin'!
3. Write for fun. Hence, this. 
4. Become an Expert on Something. This is interesting. I know I should start on the book I plan to publish. Tomorrow. 
5. Make plans for after work. Ark, duh!
6. Take a snack break. Hmm... okay. I'll go find some KFC after this. I am starving!
7. Follow a new blog. Interesting. I have never followed any blogs before. I just google whenever I need something lol. Maybe I should start doing it now. 
8. Remind yourself why you like your job. The money. The freetime. 
9. Create an online Shopping wishlist. Now? Neh. I got everything I need and no more space in my room for anything Anymore. 
10. Catch up on the news. Yikes. Maybe I should. 

Returning back to work...

Somewhere in between completeing my masters and enjoying my break from work, I got lost in the fact that I still have a job with responsibilities. Urgh I am so used to staying up till 2am and waking up at 9am I have no idea how to adjust with my work schedule anymore. I don’t think I can be ready at this point.

Anyways, about work… Turned out I’m going back to old Politeknik Port Dickson. Yep, the polytechnic I studied in 16 years ago. (wow I’m old). Of course I’m glad going back there instead of the Sabak Bernam area which is infested by monitor lizards and charlies. My feelings are all over the place?

For a year and a half, I have felt so safe. Hidden in my bedroom at my parents’ house day and night playing video games while chatting with my gamer community had kept me from the dangers of society. Judgmentals, gossipers, douchebags. But I guess I knew it couldn’t last. There would come a time where I had to return to them all. The time is now and I have to get my lazy ass off my desk chair and move on with life professionally.

Where do I start? There’s just so much to do and so little time. My priorities are all over the place. To make it worse, I have a freaking wedding to plan! God Help Me!

Absence

When I bought a macbook (2012) I had a goal to start writing. Journals, blogs, you name it. The soft keys of the laptop made it look fun to type with. But that didn’t last long. My excuse was that the macbook was not so practical as it wouldn’t fit into my hand bag to be carried everywhere. So I bought an iPad. It seemed at that time (2014) having a portable typing device would make my blogging easier. I downloaded this app (Blogpad Pro) which wasn’t free to add on to the ambitious gesture.  Blogging is so hard.  Everytime I get it on, all ready to start typing a life worth of thoughts, I lose interest. My writer’s block seem to be lasting a whole lifetime. Started with days, then months and they years. To be more precise, I even forgot my password to the blog I once had before I made this one. So much for the saying Hangat-hangat tahi ayam or translated as “Hot hot chicken shit” meaning want to do it, but got lazy in 2 minutes.  Anyways. After watching 4 seasons of Sex and The City, I found my interest again. I wonder why I didn’t like the series before. Maybe at 34, single, finally I can relate to it. I love how Carrie expresses herself in her articles. I may not be a professional writer but I sure have a gazillion stories to tell. I mean, I’m only single for like 5 more months. I should start writing more.  So for now, just another “hello again...” I’ll think of something to write about.